Death: a word that people never want to talk about. It could be fear, superstition, denial or a combination of all three. Everyone has their own reasons. I will be honest. Before Darin died, I never talked about death. My reason? I was superstitious. I believed that if I talked about death, something was going to happen to me or my family. Everything changed after Darin died. I am no longer afraid to talk about death and I encourage everyone to push their reasons aside and talk about it with their families.
After someone dies, your life becomes a blur. You are faced with a thousand questions and need to make extremely important decisions. It is hard enough to formulate a sentence, eat or sleep, let alone decide about funerals or memorials. I had no idea what Darin’s final wishes were. I remember feeling guilty that I did not know….after all, a wife should know how her husband wanted his life celebrated.
I recently read a survey conducted on behalf of Arbor Memorial: a family-owned Canadian company that provides interment rights, cremations, funerals and associated services to families across the country. The statistic that jumped out at me was the fact that 60 % of people haven’t shared their funeral/memorial wishes with anyone, leaving their loved ones to figure out all the details once they have passed, and potentially guess at what they would want. Darin was only 44 when he died so it was something we never discussed. Did he want to be buried or cremated? Did he want a traditional funeral or a celebration of his life…I had no idea.
One of the most important lessons I learned following his death was to discuss my wishes with my kids and parents. I pushed my superstition and fear aside and thought about what I wanted. It was very hard to think about and process but I knew how important it was. I had to! I wrote my Will, made arrangements to have my ashes placed in the same niche as Darin and shared my ideas and plans with my family. I did not want my family to wonder what my final wishes were. I did not want them to feel guilty because they did not know how I wanted my life celebrated. It gives me great peace of mind knowing that everything has been discussed and planned. Not an easy discussion but that peace of mind is worth it.
I never thought I would ever preplan my wishes, including purchasing a niche for myself. If I was too superstitious to write a Will, I was certainly too superstitious to pre-purchase my own funeral plot. Luckily, there are experts who are ready to assist, and make the process less stressful. Having a licensed professional answer your questions is a huge help and relief. They provide guidance and consult with you to help you determine what best reflects your wishes. They walk you through the process and give you pause for thought on aspects you wouldn’t consider, ultimately helping you create a unique and meaningful experience. For me, that meant deciding on a larger niche that will fit my urn as well, so that I can be placed beside Darin. With the help of a certified professional, my in laws and I were able to purchase something that met our needs. When you are overwhelmed with grief, you need someone to hold your hand and guide you through a very confusing time.
I was also surprised at the following survey result “Fewer than four in ten (38 per cent) say they know every detail of the parents’ funeral preferences.” My parents told me their wishes and we discussed how their want their lives celebrated. My parents, in fact, wrote it all down so that I would have their wishes at my disposal in the event of their death. I want to make sure their lives are celebrated the way they want and by having the details in writing, I will have peace of mind, knowing I am doing what they want.
As hard as death is to talk about, people need to think about and discuss their final wishes regarding burial/cremation and memorial. Why let your surviving family members wonder what you would like for your memorial or celebration of life? I know it is a hard topic to think about. No one wants to think or talk about death but you really need to take some time and ask yourself what you want, and then you need to communicate your ideas with your family. It is, after all, your life and you deserve to have a say into how you want to be remembered.
* I was compensated by Arbor Memorial to share my story.
Have you have this conversation with your family? Do they know your wishes?
Ann
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Margarita Ibbott (@DownshiftingPRO) says
The more I read your blog, the better I get to know you. I did not realize that Darrin was so young when he passed. I love that you have decided to make some bold choices so that your children are not burdened with all those decisions at such an emotional time.
When my father died, there were decisions made that in hindsight would not have made a difference to him but they did stress my mother out when that horrendous bill came in. Believe it or not, I still have to have that conversation with my mother.
Loved your post Ann!
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Ann says
Thank you so much for reading Margarita! Yes, have that conversation with your mother. I know it is tough but worth it in the long run. You will not have the stress that she did.
paula schuck says
First of all kudos to you for sharing this information because it is important. As hard as it is to read about this, I am sure it was one million times harder to write about it. I am so grateful you choose to turn this really devastating and heartbreaking experience into something that can help others. I am also grateful to know you lovely lady. You were one of the biggest helps to me when my mom passed away. You are such a caring heart. Everyone should have these conversations now while their loved ones are here to explain what they want. I always knew my Mom’s wishes and that helped. At a time when grief is so ripe and you are dealing with so many hard emotions and decisions it is comforting to know that you are carrying out the wishes of your loved one. That was one of the only things that I took heart in during that really hard time after my Mom passed away. I knew she had said NO way to cremation. I knew she wanted to be buried in Guelph near her Mom. I knew also that she would have wanted to be helped as long as possible. We knew quite a lot actually. Thankfully she knew enough to tell us I want X, Y and Z and don’t you ever do this!! Very glad she was open to telling us and very glad we also both listened to her.
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Ann says
Thank you Paula. I am glad that you knew your mothers wishes and that it helped you during a dark time. You are such a kind soul. xo
Melody says
I have preplanned really early in my life and am so grateful to have so much time to figure it out.
I know my family can’t afford to pay for my final arrangements when I pass away. So this eases the burden and makes my passing peaceful for them.
I really would recommend going to a funeral home and at least discussing this with a pre planner.
Ann says
Thank you for sharing your story.
Michelle says
Thank you so much for sharing your story as it will be helpful to so many at a time when no one wants to second guess a loved one’s final wishes. It is a way we can honor them when they pass which is part of life as much as we don’t want to think of it that way.
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Ann says
Very true. Honouring their wishes is the most important thing during such a tough time.
Candice says
It’s so important to know what loved ones final wishes are… they are hard conversations to have but so necessary… I would probably wait till after Christmas to have those ones but not everyone has that luxury. Thanks for the reminder to live everyday!!
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Ann says
Thank you so much for your comment. Yes, it sure is a reminder to live everyday. Happy New Year.
Dina Demarest says
My hubby and I have talked this out. We both just want to be creamated. The price they charge to bury a person is ridiculous. I’m glad we’ve already agreed on what we’re going to do. But we need to plan the actual event. It’s so hard to plan it when you didn’t know it was coming.
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Ann says
I am glad to hear that you and your husband have discussed this. It is such a hard conversation but you must feel relieved that you know each other’s plans.
Summer @ Coffee With Summer says
This could be hard. My dad hints at it sometimes.
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Nicole says
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my sister two and a half years ago and she was only 18 at the time. When you loose someone so young, as we both have, it makes other things so impossible, “formulating a sentence’ is spot on because you are still trying to wrap your mind around what has happened. My parents try to talk to me now about their wishes and I do tune them out of superstition. It’s nice that your country has additional aid to step in and help you through every aspect of decision making.
Ann says
Thank you for your comment. I am so sorry for your loss. 18 is way too young.
Jaime Nicole says
It’s such a hard time for families. When my grandfather died, I was devastated and was in no shape to try and get everything arranged. I was so thankful that he had had everything arranged and paid for in advance. It didn’t make it better, but it made it easier and let me focus on my family. It’s something that I will be looking into as I get older.
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Ann says
It is such an important thing to do – regardless of age. My husband was only 44 when he died suddenly 🙁
Yona Williams says
My Mom has no clue what my father wants, and he refuses to talk about it. He has a bit of the superstitious feeling when it comes to that kind of talk. I personally know my Mom’s wishes, she made sure to let me know so that no one was ever stressed about it.
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Ann says
I had a huge superstition about it as well but I had to overcome that fear.